When I got up this morning I was like yeah, this day has some potential

Then I was like I’m actually really feeling it on the 7h story, now is the time to add some stuff

Then I reread my “autobiography” post from two years ago and I was like I remember now, I remember all this good stuff. It seems like so long ago I hadn’t forgotten all this, but in this moment, I’m starting to feel like maybe I could be me again, and maybe the people I talk to online, maybe they aren’t entirely different people now who don’t care about me and who I should be cautious about just because I’m an entirely different person at the moment. Maybe that really is all just imaginary drama in my head created by me not knowing what’s going on outside my mind/room and unconsciously creating a narrative out of my emotional state.

Then I sat down to clean out my “draw later” tag (about 90% of it) and when done draw some stuff in it

Then very suddenly as I got done I lost all urge to draw the things. It was actually really sudden. I didn’t as I was going through gradually lose energy until I had none, I just very suddenly when I was about 90% through lost all my will to draw in three seconds. It was weirdly depressing. My day had been gradually building up up to that point and then it was just suddenly like ….nope. And all that hope just kind of left. I felt vague hints of the better parts of my void month—when I wasn’t really feeling bad but had utterly no idea what to do with my time because nothing appealed to me—creeping back.

So… I did what I usually did then, and went to youtube. This week, I’d already been planning to find and listen to some video game soundtracks I hadn’t heard, so it seemed like the thing to do.

Unexpectedly, simply searching for “[series] ost“ didn’t turn up very many playlists compared to the huge array of titles I’d caught a glance of on a wiki page while looking up something else. I got mildly anxious, because for the past few days, going through soundtracks one track at a time and evaluating whether I liked the tracks enough to download them (it’d probably be more efficient to just search for downloads of whole soundtracks but I kinda like being able to listen to them first and then download the exact thing I just listened to better than sorting out the ones I didn’t want after the fact :p) had been a great way to feel like I was “making progress” in some abstract way and ward off that crap.

Instead of game soundtracks, there were a number of anime soundtracks. I looked at them hesitantly. Finally I added them to my ‘queue’, because they were better than nothing, and hell, maybe they might surprise me.

While looking through the search results, being too lazy to pause it, I let the first two songs of one of them play. Actually, they were two versions of the same song :p

It had some decently distinctive classic rock arrangement, but beyond that, it sure was a J-Pop song like every other J-Pop anime opening song. Well what the hell did I expect, I thought to myself. All of the title cards on the first three songs incidentally featured everybody running around, and I had a good laugh when I realised this—apparently people don’t just run around in anime openings where it makes some amount of sense, but on the goddamn album covers too.

Yeah, the song was fairly standard, all things considered.

But at the same time, it was so… hopeful. Its subject was explicitly about having really big dreams and looking forward to the future and holding nothing back in pursuing your ambitions, and stuff like that. “Wanna be zja biggest doriimaa,“ it proclaimed as its opening line in weirdly-pronounced English.

I felt weird.

I almost cried.

Two or three years ago, that was me. I was perhaps the “biggest dreamer” I knew. No matter which one of the eleven million ideas I had was going to be the one, one of them was going to get somewhere beyond the drawing board and I was going to get known for something. It was as certain as me ending up in a job in some field that aligned with my core beliefs and becoming the person I dreamed of, posed as, and saw as the realisation of who I really was. There was no thought in my mind anything else could happen.

Now, I lived as if anything in my life could crumble away at any second. Energy, motivation, gear, data, grades, funds, degree, health, family’s approval, family itself, friends, acquaintances, freedom. Nothing was certain any more, and it wasn’t even because any of that stuff was really in jeopardy. I just didn’t have the heart to believe that I deserved it to not be.

Drained of hope and energy by college, I had come to see my entire life as a series of degrees to which things might not happen, ranging from far-off future dreams to getting the absolute smallest thing I asked for. (If the smallest tasks were holding up the pyramid of things I was supposed to do, by some twisted logic, it seemed only natural that “rewards”, inclusive of basically any mercy the universe might have on me, would follow like a shadow in the same pattern.) Most recently, I had begun to take it to the furthest extreme by beginning to prepare for the worst outcome of basically anything I did.

At this moment, this carbon-copy anime song whaps me in the face like a wet fish with a world where there is no room for any of that crap.

Is this why Japanese people supposedly live so long, I wonder to myself. Because this kind of stuff is so pervasive that every random singer they hire for another typical animated series knows from heart exactly what to write? Is all this stuff about charging into the future full of hope and various poetic variants thereof more than just a cliche everyone repeats—is it a way of life?

It’d been a while since I’d last caught myself crying sadly at something unequivocally positive in media. The last major time I distinctly remember was when Twilight Sparkle had a really good brother.

I attempt to find audio notes for this song from one time when I spontaneously started writing a “Stablehand ED” in Japanese as a random silly thing. Instead of finding them, I find notes for my recent Jinhuang song that accidentally kinda uses the same chords though it’s in a different style. They suffice.

I pause.

Half of me wants to brand what just happened as me being so desperate for something to connect with me I’ll turn to nondescript filler music. The other half wants to see it in more basic terms: is it really that weird to respond positively to a message of positivity and hope?

At least, I realise that if somebody like me were caught by a certain armour fish, her response would probably be

I know, right?